We’re publishing an original piece today by Freddie Attenborough, a former academic who has contributed some of the best pieces to this website and now has his own substack account you can subscribe to here. Freddie’s last piece for us – “The BBC v Donald Trump” – went viral. In this one, he imagines a telephone conversation between two middle-class women, one of whom has just witnessed the murder of her son by a vigilante mob of pro-vaxxers.
“Brandishing what, sorry? Pitchforks? How adorably quaint! Well, yes, or “terrifying”, I suppose… but then I’ve never been lackadaisical about other people’s health, have I, so I wouldn’t know about that… yes… mm-hmm … mm-hmm… but if you’d already barricaded the doors, then how did they… oh, heavens! And to think you’d only just had those single glazed wooden ones replaced with uPVC… oh dear… will the insurance pay out, do you think? No… no, hardly important… of course; not at the moment, no, you’re right… but even so, you might want to give them a ring tomorrow just to make sur… no, absolutely… no, not another word about it… I promise… please, do carry on…
“I see… mm-hmm? … oh? … and they’re claiming that that’s what inspired them, are they? … yes, as a matter of fact I think I did see it on TV the other night… Comic Relief, wasn’t it? … yes, that’s right … a celebrity-packed, comedy sketch cum musical… “Vacci-nation” or something… very droll, oh very droll indeed… m’yes, there was a little ditty, wasn’t there, now how did it go again, let me see… ah yes, that was it, “Get jabbed or get stabbed, la la la laa / Get jabbed or get stabbed tum tee tum tum” … hahaha! … oh… oh dear… oh, I’m so sorry Sandra… I didn’t mean to upset you… please, do carry on… mm-hmm … mm-hmm? … and that’s where the police believe he was taken, is it? … mm-hmm… oh, but of course I know it! … what a lovely area… yes, I know that little layby… of course… very picturesque … there’s a lovely walk down there down by the brook, isn’t there; yes, we often mask up and take the dogs for their exercise that way when it’s… no … no, absolutely… never mind what we do with our dogs, you’re quite right… shouldn’t have mentioned it… still, I’m glad you’ve reminded me, I really must remember to take the boys up there again soon… my youngest especially, you know – probably about the same age as yours is, well, haha, was – gosh, how he loves our family walks…
Worth reading in full.
Stop Press: Satire has become reality sooner than any of us could have anticipated. NBC Los Angeles tweeted the following poorly-worded message from the city’s football team tonight: “Come With Vax Proof or Get Shot On-Site: Raiders Set Covid Rules For Fans.”
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