An Election Address by Boris Johns-On

Paul Bird, a Lockdown Sceptics reader, imagines a letter he might get from Boris Johnson, listing all his achievements in the run up to the May 6th local elections. They include destroying thousands of businesses, plunging millions into unemployment, ratcheting up the national debt, etc. Here is Boris’s preamble, before he outlines all his ‘wins’:

At the election in December 2019, just 16 months ago, you weighed up the competing offers of the Conservative Party – sound economic policy, living within our means, reducing the burden of the state on the British people; and the Labour Party under Jeremy Corbyn – a creeping increase in state power, loss of freedoms, and unsustainable spending pushing up the national debt.

You overwhelmingly chose the former and handed a landslide victory to the Conservatives. I am immensely grateful to you for putting your trust in me to deliver on the promises we made.

With the local elections coming up in May I would urge you to consider this Conservative Government’s achievements since coming to power. I hope this impressive list will convince you to ‘Vote Conservative!’ in the election.

And here are some of Boris’s achievements:

  • Fundamentally modified the British Constitution to break the link between Parliament and the Executive. Removed all those famous but irritating ‘safeguards’ and ‘checks and balances’ on Government power.
  • Put the entire population into house arrest, including eight million in solitary confinement.
  • Severed the links between family members and between friends.
  • Closed down all social structures and cultural activity to prevent people from meeting and forming new relationships.
  • Overseen massive advances in social estrangement, requiring people to stay at least two metres apart from each other, and to cover up their faces. Inspired by the old Soviet states, we have encouraged neighbour to report on neighbour. New relationships between people are banned, as is all physical contact other than between those cohabiting at the time of Lockdown.
  • Deprived young people of over a year of any meaningful education.

The letter ends with a list of some of the historical figures that have inspired Boris in the last 12 months:

  • Xi Jin Ping for the restriction of movement of the entire population; for the requirement for explicit government permission for travel, entry to buildings, etc.
  • Giuseppe Conte for showing that a modern Western government (albeit of a country with a much smaller science base or record of democracy than the UK) can act like the Chinese Communist Party and get away with it
  • A certain German chap in the 1930s for the example of overriding all constitutional safeguards designed to prevent a modern democracy sliding into dictatorship; and for the enforced carrying of identity papers.
  • His PR guru – for relentless brainwashing via the broadcast and print media; for the mangling of statistics; for censorship of all non-approved material and the use of subliminal messaging to manufacture consent.
  • Dr Robert Mugabe and Nicolas Maduro on massive borrowing and money printing by the central bank.

Worth reading in full.

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