Election Address by Boris Johns-On

There follows a letter that Paul Bird, a Lockdown Sceptics’ reader, imagines getting from Boris Johnson in the run up to the May 6th local elections.

Dear Voter,

At the election in December 2019, just 16 months ago, you weighed up the competing offers of the Conservative Party – sound economic policy, living within our means, reducing the burden of the state on the British people; and the Labour Party under Jeremy Corbyn – a creeping increase in state power, loss of freedoms, and unsustainable spending pushing up the national debt.

You overwhelmingly chose the former and handed a landslide victory to the Conservatives. I am immensely grateful to you for putting your trust in me to deliver on the promises we made.

With the local elections coming up in May I would urge you to consider this Conservative Government’s achievements since coming to power. I hope this impressive list will convince you to ‘Vote Conservative!’ in the election.

Here’s what we have done:

Fundamentally modified the British Constitution to break the link between Parliament and the Executive. Removed all those famous but irritating ‘safeguards’ and ‘checks and balances’ on Government power.
Put the entire population into house arrest, including eight million in solitary confinement.
Severed the links between family members and between friends.
Closed down all social structures and cultural activity to prevent people from meeting and forming new relationships.
Overseen massive advances in social estrangement, requiring people to stay at least two metres apart from each other, and to cover up their faces. Inspired by the old Soviet states, we have encouraged neighbour to report on neighbour. New relationships between people are banned, as is all physical contact other than between those cohabiting at the time of Lockdown.
Deprived young people of over a year of any meaningful education.
Destroyed thousands of businesses.
Created millions of unemployed.
Taken the national debt to an amazing £2.2 trillion. That’s £33,000 for every man woman and child in the country, and will require £22 billion each year in interest payments for every 1% of interest rate.
Announced the biggest tax rises for 50 years.
Stood by and offered no support for the extreme mental anguish experienced by millions of people caused by our policies.
Stood by and offered no support for the many thousands who because of our policies have or will lose their lives due to reduced cancer screening, diagnosis and treatment.
Promoted a deterioration of the general physical health of the whole nation (obesity, increase tobacco and alcohol consumption) by banning sports, closing gyms, limiting exercise and encouraging a sedentary lifestyle.
Increased inequality in financial status between those with secure public sector jobs and secure pensions; and those with no savings whose livelihoods have been destroyed.
Increased inequality in educational opportunity between children of non-professional parents living in cramped flats and those in private schools receiving higher-quality material with space to learn and encouraging parents.
Cancelled festivities at Christmas. Cancelled festivities at Easter.
Prepared the way for the cry ‘Vhere are your papers?’ to ring out across the land as it did in Occupied Europe.

Previous British governments have inflicted trauma on sections of the population (peasants thrown off the land during the Enclosures; Catholics and Protestants persecuted successively in Tudor England; young men conscripted in times of war; the Peterloo massacre). No government however has achieved such a crushing of liberty and caused such harm to the entire British population since the Norman Conquest a thousand years ago.

Even the most authoritarian members of SAGE thought these achievements would be impossible in a country like Britain – but we did it!

I hope I can count on your vote in May.

‘Vote Conservative!’

Boris Johnson
Prime Minister

Accompanying notes:

The Prime Minister was inspired by some of the world’s most influential political figures. Without their example he might not have completed his Great Journey from patriotic libertarian to the autocratic ruler of a prison state. They are:

Xi Jin Ping for the restriction of movement of the entire population; for the requirement for explicit government permission for travel, entry to buildings, etc.
Giuseppe Conte for showing that a modern Western government (albeit of a country with a much smaller science base or record of democracy than the UK) can act like the Chinese Communist Party and get away with it
A certain German chap in the 1930s for the example of overriding all constitutional safeguards designed to prevent a modern democracy sliding into dictatorship; and for the enforced carrying of identity papers.
His PR guru – for relentless brainwashing via the broadcast and print media; for the mangling of statistics; for censorship of all non-approved material and the use of subliminal messaging to manufacture consent.
Dr Robert Mugabe and Nicolas Maduro on massive borrowing and money printing by the central bank.
Josef Stalin on encouraging citizens to inform on each other, and for setting the police against the people.
The Berlin authorities in 1961 for creating an impenetrable barrier to separate families, friends and loved ones.
Kim Jong-un for the example of isolating a whole country.
The Ayatollah Khomeini for the mandatory covering of faces to symbolise how other people pose a threat.
Oliver Cromwell for the cancelling of all festivities at Christmas and Easter.
Oliver Cromwell again for outlawing any unseemly gathering, dancing or sexual contact between people who are not officially recognised as married or cohabiting.
Tony Blair for the goal of total surveillance and National Identity Card proposals.