Okay, we understand that Professor Carl Hangimout – a world-renowned expert in evidence-based medicine – is currently at the COVID-19 Inquiry, responding to questions about the efficacy of face coverings. Let’s drop in and see how it’s going.
MR. KITSCH K.C.: So, Professor Hangimout, let us be clear. You – a fringe pseudo-academic, described as a ‘fuckwit’ by an esteemed colleague, and the university student who could only get a B-minus for a biological science essay in 1986 – want us to believe that masks are ineffective?
CARL HANGIMOUT: Systematic reviews of the empirical evidence consistently conclude that wearing a face mask in community settings achieves no appreciable reduction in viral –
LADY MALLETT: Can we hurry it along, Mr. Kitsch. Today’s revered expert has already been waiting 20 minutes.
MR. KITSCH: Of course, my Lady. Professor Hangimout, please keep your answers concise. Is it, or is it not, true that there are some research studies – cutting-edge modelling studies, published in respected scientific journals – that conclude that masks reduce Covid infections and save lives?
HANGIMOUT: Scientific studies vary as to their rigour and –
MR. KITSCH: Yes or no?
HANGIMOUT: But it would be misleading to –
MR. KITSCH: Please answer the question; Yes or no?
HANGIMOUT: Well, yes. But other, more robust studies, draw a different conclusion. Plus the harms associated with community masking have –
LADY MALLETT: Harms? What possible downside could there be? Anyway, we can wade through that later if… uh, when we read your lengthy witness statement.
MR. KITSCH: That will be all, Hangimout. You’re dismissed. My next witness is Professor Trish Greenkookie. Good morning, professor.
TRISH GREENKOOKIE: Good morning.
LADY MALLETT: Very, very sorry, professor, to have kept you waiting for so long. We know your time is so very precious. Do forgive us.
MR. KITSCH: Your patience is hugely appreciated, professor. As described so eloquently and succinctly in your witness statement, you are Professor of Primary Health Care at the University of Oxford – one of the most esteemed institutions in the world. You studied Medical Sciences at Cambridge – another world-famous university – and Clinical Medicine at Oxford before training first as a diabetologist and later as a general practitioner. As if that wasn’t enough, you have a doctorate in diabetes care and an MBA in Higher Education Management, so a true expert in every sense of the word. Is that correct, professor?
GREENKOOKIE: Yes.
MR. KITSCH: That rare combination of in-depth academic expertise and practical experience on the frontline. Is that correct, professor?
GREENKOOKIE: Yes, I guess.
MR. KITSCH: And huge integrity too, as demonstrated by your involvement with Independent SAGE, a group of the most impartial and objective scientists in the world who were – quite rightly – demanding earlier, longer and harsher restrictions.
LADY MALLETT: Quite right, Mr Kitsch. We are so privileged to have you with us today, professor – an expert who in no way allows her personal values and political leanings to influence her cutting-edge guidance.
MR. KITSCH: And I see you are wearing a mask today, professor.
GREENKOOKIE: Three masks actually; triple protection.
MR. KITSCH: A very sensible measure, professor. You cannot be too careful in a crowded indoor environment like this.
LADY MALLETT: Exemplary behaviour, indeed.
MR. KITSCH: Before I ask you further questions, professor, could I respectfully request three things to help our stenographers who are busily transcribing?
GREENKOOKIE: Yes, of course.
MR. KITSCH: First, could you speak up?
GREENKOOKIE: No problem.
MR. KITSCH: Second, could you speak more slowly?
GREENKOOKIE: Certainly.
MR. KITSCH: And third, would you kindly remove the pantyhose from your head?
Dr. Gary Sidley is a retired NHS Consultant Clinical Psychologist and co-founder of the Smile Free campaign opposed to mask mandates.
To join in with the discussion please make a donation to The Daily Sceptic.
Profanity and abuse will be removed and may lead to a permanent ban.
As I wrote in an earlier post, if you know the conclusions of an inquiry at outset, all that precedes them is merely window-dressing for effect. (Plus a small matter of lining the ‘sky-rocket’ of many a legal eagle).
I never imagined Britain would become a Soviet level joke of a country.
I am sure there is a rich seam of Soviet-era jokes to be tapped into during this inquiry, and indeed the coming years. I am reminded of two people I briefly met decades ago: one an East German teacher shortly after re-unification, the other an Iranian mathematician who fled to the UK after the revolution. The former had a stock of anti-Soviet jokes which he said were useful in retaining sanity under an oppressive regime. The latter described life under the Ayatollah as “cloying” and “bureaucratic”; in essence, under the Islamic Regime all teaching material had to be vetted by a local committee who had the power to amend classroom material which they consider to be offensive to Islam, or omitted key Islamic agenda points, or was in any way sceptical of the policies of the new regime. I had largely forgotten about both these people until I recently did a teacher training course, when all material I (and indeed qualified teachers) had to be vetted from time to time to ensure it complied with government policy on “The Planet”, Diversity, Inclusivity, Anti-Racism and Holocaust/Slave Denialism. We students found the vetting procedure “cloying” and developed a small repertoire of anti-authoritarian jokes in order to maintain our sanity. Those who dissented from the party line found their teaching careers strangely limited!
Stewart – exactly. Our Russian O-level teacher had us read Komsomolskaya Pravda and Krokodil a satirical magazine in Russian in the mid 60s. The insight we gained from the propagandized content was more instructive than the reading practice. We could not really relate to the state controlled mindset – we thought it couldn’t happen here – but from 2020 onwards it was obvious the UK was heading towards a worse place. The vast majority of soviet citizens who were not party cadres knew exactly what their regime was about; here in the UK <15% had worked it out.
Thank you Dr Sidley – it had to be done.
Sadly, I don’t think it will be possible to shame or embarrass the Establishment into holding a proper, unbiased Inquiry.
They are determined, desperate even, to “prove” that all the lunatic restrictions were entirely justified, but should have been imposed sooner, harder and for longer.
Never underestimate how effective it can be taking the pee out of these people. They are often so far up their own backsides they just can’t handle people laughing at them.
That Lady ( Old Bag ) is definitely not for turning ! She’s got a script & it’s not in our favour ! The whole thing is a sick joke !