This continues the short satirical glossary, lexicon, or devil’s dictionary, explanatory of some recently familiar words. Find part one here.
Abortion. Cuts out the middle man – or woman.
Antifascist. See Fascist.
Attention Deficit Disorder. A common experience in restaurants, whereby one orders a meal, and then finds that the order has been forgotten, because the waiter has left the restaurant to continue his Ph.D., score some crack or glue himself to a Banksy painting.
Australia. A country in which every public speech has to be prefaced by placation of the Aboriginal Spirits, though a bottle of whisky usually does just as well.
Banksy. A conglomerate of right-wing artists employed by the Bank of England to divert the public with trumpery sentimental images stencil-painted on walls.
Bill Gates. The proposed name for the barrier (‘gates’) which will open if one presents one’s QR code with a certificate of vaccine health (‘bill’) so that one can receive one’s WEF/WHO/PRC-sponsored monthly feudalment of gluten-free crickets and 3D printed Mao suits.
Black Lives Matter. 1. A clever anti-racist slogan which is designed to confuse the enemy because no other race is allowed to echo or imitate or extend its meaning. 2. An organisation devoted to and benefiting financially from White Fragility.
Blackwash. If one has a controversial utterance to make, then, as Mick Jagger once sang, ‘Paint it black’, and it will be exempt from all criticism. Someone in Camb., Mass., 40 years ago: “We have to blackwash Harvard.”
Bloody Obvious. Not obvious to anyone born after 1990, possibly even 1980. The subject of every one of Jordan Peterson’s monologues.
Bullingdon Club. A club, recently closed down, for being too sedate and boring. Everyone left it to join Antifa, Extinction Rebellion, Insulate Britain, Just Stop Oil in order to have some really boisterous breaking glass and ballyhoo.
Butcoin. Cash. “We don’t accept cash here.” “But…“
Christianity. 1. If Jesus was white, then a patriarchal, repressive, punitive religion. 2. If Jesus was black, then Hallelujah! “Je suis Jesus.”
Colour-Blind Casting. The Green Goblin played by Red Buttons; Scarlett O’Hara played by Eva Green, etc.
Crap. Akin to clap. A response to music, specifically, a natural response to rap music. John Lennon: “Those in the cheap seats clap; those in the front seats rattle your jewellery; and after 1990, if I am still alive, you can all just leave a small tribute under your seats.” See Rap.
Cwitticisms. 1. A witticism which involves politically incorrect criticism. For instance, “Madam, I will be sober in the morning, but you will still be a man.” Or, “What kind of woman do you think I am?” “Well, I am not sure, but until we establish that, we can’t haggle over the price.” 2. What Jonathan Ross tries to avoid.
Deadnaming. 1. Speaking ill of the dead. “He wasn’t much of a man.” 2. Speaking ill of the alive. “He’s a man.”
Diversity-Equity-Inclusivity. Called ‘D.I.E.’ by Jordan Peterson, a rare instance of a joke from this distinguished intellectual.
Fascist. 1. Originally, an enthusiast for chastisement using traditional rod or axe. 2. Specifically, a twentieth-century socialist, nationalist, militarist and racist state-builder. 3. Generally, anyone. But see Antifascist.
Fatshaming. No longer an acceptable form of abuse. It has been proved that nutritional authorities in former decades were wrong to tell us that carbohydrates were good and fats were bad. Fatshaming was very common in the 1970s. It has now been replaced by carb-shaming, gluten-shaming and sugar-shaming.
Feel Good. Feel bad. But to have done what is necessary in order to comply with the requirements of the system as monitored by Human Resources Departments.
Feudalment. Akin to ‘allotment’, and with a learned reminiscence of the distinction between ‘allod’ and ‘feud’; an allocation which is heavily conditional on reciprocal performance by the citizen of certain public-minded actions, such as inserting the chip, saluting the flag, taking the knee, removing Joe Rogan from Spotify, etc.
Foucault, Michel. A Frenchman who proved David Starkey wrong in a San Francisco bathhouse in 1983.
France. A country desperately trying to hold onto the proposition that “all bad ideas come from David Starkey”.
-gate. A suffix added to any word to denote a minor political controversy.
-Gates. A suffix added to any word to denote a major political conspiracy. “Have you heard about partygates? The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation supplied the canapés.” “Have you heard about beergates? The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation stood Keir Starmer a half of IPA.” See Bill Gates.
Gentrification. An attempt by the middle classes to keep one step ahead of immigrants. See Immigration.
Global South, the. A fictional entity, dreamt of by elites who have never seen it. A useful rhetorical device to indicate not only care for the suffering but also equality with them, thus avoiding condescension while usually being quite condescending.
Gluten-free crickets. The staple food of the future.
Golden Fleece, the. The code name for the holy grail of all modern thought; the ultimate what-we-want; the telos or eschaton of all human activity. It is the world we modern argonauts arrive at when we perfectly harmonise our aspirations to achieve sustainability on the one hand and diversity-equity-inclusivity on the other. It is also, alas, impossible. See Oxymoron. But it is the protocol of the people really in charge, and their minions in Human Resources Departments. It is called ‘golden’ because it is so marvellous, and ‘fleece’ because it is a fraud.
Good Luck With That. A slogan invented by Jordan Peterson to describe almost any instantiation of woke precepts.
Great Reset. The policy of keeping everything absolutely the same but finally letting everyone know what is going on.
Greer, Germaine. 1. A feminist. 2. Not a feminist.
Growth. An imperative for any successful society that has ever existed; an unconscious imperative, hidden behind war, until the 17th century, and since the 17th century, a conscious imperative.
Hashtag. 1. A key no one can find on a computer. 2. A game enjoyed by a majority of children, in which the smallest child continually fails to catch anyone. 3. A word people say at random in front of pretty much anything in order to give it significance. The modern equivalent of the obsolete habits of using italics or winking.
Houellebecq, Michel. A Merovingian author, who wrongly predicted the outcome of the battle between Charles Martel and the Umayyads at the Battle of Tours in AD 732.
Human Resources Departments. Constructions designed by Franz Kafka, Heath Robinson and Ezekiel to keep us occupied and feel good about it. They perpetuate CPD, ESG, SDG and other acronyms, too exhausting to list by anyone who does not have to do so for professional reasons. See Feel Good.
Immigration. The regrettable movement of white working class people out of the slums and into nice middle class neighbourhoods. See Gentrification. Opposed by Nigel Farage, on account of his privileged Dulwich College education.
Insulate Britain. From insula, the Latin for island. The purpose of Insulate Britain is to keep Britain out of Europe. The movement was inaugurated by Dogger Man in prehistoric times, but its modern hero is General de Gaulle.
Intellectual Dark Web. A conspiracy of mild-mannered men stating what was bloody obvious at any time between 50,000 BC and 1950, but stating it now and therefore causing doomsday-glacier-scale extreme-weather events amongst the non-existent Far Left. Utterances such as “be responsible” are now fascist.
Islam. 1. A religion. Not to be confused with Islam sense 2. 2. Terrorism. 3. The future. Not to be confused with Islam sense 2, though it may resemble it a bit. See Hoeullebecq, Michel.
Iver Mectin. A songwriter who died in 1951 from a coronary thrombosis caused by taking an mRNA vaccine. Famous for the World War One song “Don’t Keep the Home Fires Burning”, now the anthem of Insulate Britain.
Je suis. A French phrase, indicating compliance and conformity. See Me Too.
Just Stop Oil. An unfortunate recent revival of Fatshaming.
Kwarteng, Kwasi. An insufficiently blackwashed politician. Chief Whip: “Damn it, no matter how much we wash them, we cannot remove the Eton Mess from Kwasi’s trousers.” See Blackwash.
LGBT community. Not a community.
Macmillan, Harold. The hero of the Great Reset. A master of hidden punctuation. “You’ve never had it. So: good!“
Mansplaining. A regrettable patriarchal habit whereby men attempt to express themselves. Often ‘mansplaining’ has the effect of annoying women so much that they end their relationships with the men, whereupon it is renamed ‘explaining’.
Me Too. An expression of contemporary entitlement. An impertinent way of asking to have as much sexual activity, licit or illicit, as movie moguls enjoyed from 1920 to 2010.
Moral Izzard. A condition in which one feels so protected by a liberal society that one has no fear about the risks of dressing up as a lord one day and a lady the next.
1963. The turning point of all history, between the Lady Chatterley trial and the Beatles’ first LP. A glimpse of the rest of all history: a world of J.F.K.s and David Frosts, rising without trace, dying without grace.
Oxymoron. 1. A contradiction in terms. E.g. ‘progressive conservative’, ‘settled science’, ‘sustainable development’, ‘Elliot Page’. 2. Someone who breathes in oxygen, breathes out carbon dioxide, and therefore contributes to anthropogenic global warming.
Pronoun. 2. In favour of nouns. Adopted by those who prefer being to doing. Contrast Proverb. 3. The equivalent of a proverb: that is, a sententious utterance made by someone in favour of pronouns. “To every thing there is a season: a time to be born, and a time to die, a time to love and a time to hate, a time to be a him and a time to be a her.” “The proud will inherit the earth.”
Proverb. 1. In favour of verbs, not nouns. Adopted by those who prefer doing to being. See Pronoun. 2.A sententious utterance made by someone who is against pronouns. “Frowardness is in his/her heart, he/she deviseth mischief continually; he/she soweth discord.” “Rebuke a wise man and he will love thee.”
Racism. 1. The simple variant of the tendency of whites to feel superior to those of other colours, whereby they grind the faces of the blacks, etc. 2. The subtler, elite, variant of the tendency of whites to feel superior to those of other colours, whereby they flagellate themselves ostentatiously, take the knee, engage in positive discrimination, admit their unconscious bias, and feel cleansed and elevated by such an elaborate set of purification rituals. Robert Clive: “You know, my dear Hastings, no damned darkie in the entire subcontinent could ever feel as good as I do after a good whipping by Ms. DiAngelo.”
Rap. Music designed to loosen one’s bowels through the impact of relentless low frequency noises and hectoring vocalisations. See Crap. Music oddly spared the requirement to be tasteful, politically correct, woke etc. See Racism 2, also Blackwash.
Roe V. Wade. A tennis player. The sister of Virginia Wade. After Virginia won Wimbledon in 1977, her sister Roe, not to be outdone, transitioned into a man, promptly became the 10,000th best tennis player in the world, and was never heard of again.
Rowling, J.K. The unacknowledged author of the book, Hermione Strikes Back, an exciting novel wherein Harry Potter and his friends fight a prejudiced elderly crone called Rowldemort, and shout “Terfiamus” and “Wingardium Cancelara” a lot.
Safe Space. Beyond the Oort Cloud, a region in which no one ever says anything controversial.
Safe Spice. A new sort of chilli pepper which has been stripped of all its capsicum so it adds no heat to food. Nigella Lawson: “Its perfect with gluten-free crickets.”
Serf and Terf. A woman who is forced to clean mixed-gender toilets, while being wholly opposed to them.
Sife Spice. A safe space in Australia.
Slavery. 1. An interesting status in which one has forfeited one’s life so it belongs to someone else. By extension, any status which is not that of perfect freedom: and since perfect freedom does not exist, any status. “Slavery is on a spectrum.” “Everyone is a slave of something.” 2. A regrettable episode whereby natives of East Africa were sold by other natives of East Africa to Europeans who transported them across the Atlantic and sold them to other Europeans. Entirely the responsibility of Edward Colston, Cambridge University, Al Jolson and Aristotle.
Starmer, Keir. A statesman of the future. Thought to have been designed by Elon Musk. An early prototype, not able to drink beer easily.
Sustainability. Ostensibly, the inclination to keep a society in the same condition. More ambitiously, the attempt to slim down a society, i.e., fatshaming for everyone. Actually, the hypocritical attempt to ‘grow the economy’ while pretending not to do so. See Sustainwash.
Sustainable Development. In music, ‘sustainable development’ is found when the second theme of a sonata is a single note maintained monotonously and perpetually. (Tickets available every evening for those who bring their QR codes to the ‘bill gates’ at the Albert Hall.) See oxymoron.
Sustainwash. To decorate the countryside with wind turbines and to force everyone to ‘reduce carbon emissions’ while buying oil from Saudi Arabia, gas from Russia, plastic toys from China. See hypocrisy.
Taking the piss. Rather like taking the knee, a ritual of self-abasement carried out by someone so extravagantly wealthy or privileged that the cause is fatally undermined by the hypocrisy involved. “Prince Harry took the piss today when he arrived at COP-26.”
TERF. What Margaret Court won all her Grand Slams on. Since Billie Jean King refused to play on ‘terf’, Margaret Court was unopposed in every final between 1891 and 1971 and therefore won an unacceptably large set of tennis trophies.
Thompson, Emma. A gluten-free misery-laden grey old lady.
Useful Idiot. You.
White Fragility. A fragrance manufactured by Robin DiAngelo. Makes white women behave extremely uneasily in public; however, also makes them smell quite virtuous.
Wind Turbines. Our equivalent of Easter Island statues. Hominids in the future: “What the devil were these for?”
Woman. 1. Before, a creature of whom it was said by Otto Weininger, early in the 20th century, that it was the only thing in the universe which would never be understood, because man could not understand it, and it was incapable of understanding itself. 2. Now, a creature that is the only thing in the universe which will never be defined. See Starmer, Keir. (But at least, contra Weininger, it will be understood, now that men can transition into women, ask themselves what they are, and answer in a brisk, helpful, mansplaining manner.)
World War Three. 1. Superficially, what will start next week. 2. Actually, something taking place as we speak, the battle between those on the side of Kanye West and those on the side of the Global South.
Yoga. An exercise designed to help one overcome the loosening of the bowels caused by rap, vaccines, and gluten-free crickets.
Dr. James Alexander is a Professor in the Department of Political Science at Bilkent University in Turkey.
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Restaurant/stadium/etc asks potential customers to present a “vaccine passport” before entry. As a potential customer I would first demand to see the vaccine passports of all the workers in that facility. Only fair, right?
Liberal Democrats it is then.
I have never voted for the Liberals, Lib Dems or whatever believing them to be a cowardly safe haven for those who cannot decide between Conservative and Socialist.
New, one issue, parties will achieve nothing except to waste money and split the anti authoritarian vote.
With a voice already in Parliament and the media and with their current 100% record why vote for anyone else, except those honorable notable Labour, Conservative and Other MPs that just outed themselves as champions of liberty ?
Yes Ben Bradshaw, that includes you, surprisingly.
76 is a good number to start with three years to build up the anti momentum.
Makes sense, if only because it is the only way to obtain Proportional Representation; and PR is the only way forward for small new parties to grow.
We need new parties in order to protect minorities from the ‘tyranny of the majority’.
PR is a disaster. It guarantees nothing will ever get done. That’s why ZZ Top run Israel. Strangely enough the most effective is a three party where the opposition plus the ‘third’ can stop the worst excessives of government.
The Liberal Democrats have always been a bit weak on actual liberalism. But to judge by their actions they are right on this and will get my vote unless there is an even more explicitly anti-lockdown party on offer.
Does anybody know how they voted for the 3 lockdowns and the previous covid bill?
The Liberal Democrats are not anti-lockdown; they are not opposed to the non-pharmaceutical interventions.
I suspected that. It’s just this specific extension they are against
Yup, I got a bit excited at that too, then I saw this https://www.libdems.org.uk/s21-covid-motion – they are firmly part of the ‘lockdown earlier and harder’ and ‘close the borders’ brigade. And it seems some of the labour MPs didn’t think the bill went ‘far enough’ in supporting people to self-isolate. So sadly this is not really coming about as a result of these people looking at the scientific evidence which says that quarantining the healthy is pointless, in the case of the lib-dems it’s probably a desperate grab for attention prior to the local elections, after which their local councillors will be pressing at every stage for ‘local powers’ – it never ends….
Ben Bradshaw seems to have made the transition so why not the Lib Dems, even if only for short term electoral advantage (which Ben does not require).
Doesn’t look like Bradshaw has made that much of a transition – only last week he was pushing for hotel quarantine to be replaced by a GPS tracking system. Replacing prison with house arrest enforced by electronic tag for the crime of going on holiday doesn’t cut it with me I’m afraid. I would be more convinced if he was asking when we are going to have an international tourist industry again….
Point taken, his main interest seems to be the resurrection of the local tourist industry which would, of course, benefit from the destruction of overseas travel.
my MP is firmly against all restrictions (as he emails me) and is in the CRG. Then he votes for everything going
And that only because they know that they’ll never be in a position to exploit it.
Sir Forensic fancies his chances at taking the helm of HMS Despotic if they can make this temporary emergency permanent.
Why are you simping for a party?
We don’t vote for parties, and we certainly don’t vote for leaders. We get one vote, in our constituency, and we vote for the actual candidates who are standing there. Please, please, try to get that through your skull.
Look at the individuals actually standing. Find out what they believe, and vote for the individual who best represents your beliefs, or for none of the above.
Sure, most low-information voters are just going to scrawl their X by the picture of the rosette that they’ve always voted for, but perhaps informed voter might try to be better than that. If we don’t, then all we’re ensuring is that the second-worst Party of Davos candidate will get in, time after time after time.
I have never voted for Ben Bradshaw precisely because he is of the Labour party (not that any other party has ever put up a candidate of merit against him).
Despite my now advocating voting Lib Dem on the basis of their new stand re Coronovirus legislation in Ben’s case I would now vote for him for that same reason and because he is the sitting MP.
I made that proviso in my initial post.
This from a conservative who never forgave them for getting rid of Enoch Powell because he was anti Common Market and never voted for them since they got rid of Mrs Thatcher for similar reasons.
Wonderland. Simply not where we live. I lived for a while in Andorra. Got to vote. You actually wrote the name on the ballot. That’s Democracy. In the UK it’s very simple. The only workable is a single issue anti lockdown. The rest will be fixed.
Regarding lockdowns being “electoral gold” in Australia and NZ, I wonder why in those countries the bottom-up popular will to stop Covid is so much stronger than in the Americas or Europe?
From an Australian poster on a (members-only) forum which I frequent:
Wow, is there no opposition to this? It’s so brutal, just for a mild respiratory illness.
In an extension of the orientalist attitudes that many Westerners have shown regarding East Asian responses to Covid, some argue that what has happened in Australia is that the country has gone back to its penal colony roots.
Repressive regime seems like repressive regime wherever it happens. Don’t see how that’s ‘orientalist’ or any other ‘ist’.
I can’t help but see regret in Aus/NZ future if this continues; this from someone who lives in a small, repressive, ‘let’s do zero-covid’ island which is in the same uncomfortable position.
Isle of Man?
Yup, the home of terrifying motorbike road racing, now run by bedwetters for bedwetters and going down the shitter with nary a peep.
See Paula’s excellent comment below.
Was the Isle of Man capable of following a zero covid plan in the way that the UK wasn’t simply because its much smaller size means it’s far more difficult for someone to reach it illegally?
If you head out to sea from the northern coast of France in a vaguely northwesterly direction you’re almost assured of making landfall in Great Britain, but reaching the Isle of Man would likely require far greater navigational skills.
I don’t think so, it’s fairly visible; I can see England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales from our coasts.
There’s just no pull factor to reach it illegally as benefits and housing are dependent on residency for five years at least.
I’m sure that there are other European countries that are far more attractive to benefit scroungers, and that most illegal immigrants to the UK come here not to scrounge but to work.
Although the real issue isn’t illegal immigrants per se, but about British citizens returning illegally if they’d ended up stranded abroad by an Australian-style border policy.
In Victoria it was highly publicized when an illegal gathering in a garden shed was discovered after someone at the local KFC drive-thru made a suspiciously large order, which alerted the manager to call in the licence plate to the police.
The problem is you can have ‘popular will to stop Covid’ until you are blue in the face – it’s a waste of time if the methods you are using are ineffective. If I was going to be very unkind I would say Europe and especially those parts of the US that are opening up are more alert to the follies of thinking you can ‘control a virus’ The UK had a carefully thought-through pandemic plan which it threw out of the window in favour of measures that had no evidence base. But at least in some quarters we seem to be very slowly realising our mistakes.
Surely the point is that if people have a strong will to stop Covid then they will accept the methods that are effective, such as sealed borders and highly intrusive surveillance: like the universal QR code checking mentioned above, which in NZ also applies to buses, shopping malls (both the mall as a whole and the individual shops within) and each building within university campuses.
It’s interesting that Americans are typically appalled by the harsh lockdowns in Australia and New Zealand, while Europeans are more likely to be appalled by their sealed borders.
I live in Auckland, NZ and have used the bus twice lately. There is no pressure to use the QR code and I have not worn a mask either, I now have an exemption but have not shown it.
I didn’t see anyone using a QR code at a mall entrance the other day, though I did see some using individual shop’s ones.
Recently there has been more PR about using them as compliance has fallen considerably, which pleases me!
You’re joking of course? If not you need professional help.
What did I say in my message above that implies that I “need professional help”?
Just reading about antibody-dependent-enhancement and I came across the following meeting “Consensus summary report for CEPI/BC March 12–13, 2020 meeting: Assessment of risk of disease enhancement with COVID-19 vaccines”
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7247514/
Part of the conclusions are
“Data are needed on whether antibody waning could increase the risk of enhanced disease on exposure to virus in the long term”
I don’t suppose they have that data yet do they? Hasn’t really been enough time
IT GETS BETTER!!!
BLOOD TESTS TO ENTER A PUB???????
Apparently supported by the Damm man.
‘In March 19th the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a press release detailing changes to its operational strategy for K-12 students. It stated that among other things, students may now reduce their social distancing from 6 feet to 3 feet.’
https://www.aier.org/article/the-6-foot-mandate-was-bad-science/
Europe, and this country, begin to look embarrassingly backward, even stupid/dumb.
The case of Holmseley Care Home in Devon is very puzzling. The police have arrested two care workers on the basis of “wilful neglect”. The Home has had an outbreak of Covid 19. Nine residents are reported as having died of the disease. Yet the residents and most of the staff had been vaccinated. None of this makes sense. If the residents were vaccinated – and the vaccines are safe and effective, as we are constantly told by the authorities – how could the residents die of Covid 19? What did they die of? Surely the deaths would be vaccine adverse reactions? Why have two of the workers been accused of wilful neglect? What is it that they allegedly did not do? Why is there a police investigation?
“As part of their enquiries, officers are speaking to staff and conducted a search of the home. Post-mortems have been conducted on three of the deceased residents.”
maybe just trying to look like they are doing something?
Very odd report indeed (Local Live), it implies both that the deaths are Covid related and that the Staff are at fault.
Normalising Police involvement in cases of Staff non- compliance ?
Don’t understand how they could have an outbreak with vaccinated residents unless either the outbreak began too soon after vaccination for immunity to take effect, or at least half of the residents had such weak immune systems in the first place that the vaccine didn’t work.
I fear for the upcoming Panorama ‘Covid’ documentary. Glimpsing the trailers it looks like they’ll try to trash Sweden and extol Boris. Maybe with a ‘not soon enough, not hard enough, not long enough’ flavour. (I really hope I’m wrong). Of course the Sheeple will gobble it all up. Panorama used to be a strong investigative program. Hope lives eternal!
Outside of the metropolitan bubble it will reach those ten viewers who can’t be bothered to switch it off.