This is the third chapter of a novel that will be published in serial form in the Daily Sceptic. It’s a dystopian satire about the emergence of a social credit system in the U.K. in the near future. Read chapter one here and chapter two here.
In the kitchen, Theo was sitting at his regular perch – the surface formerly known as the kitchen countertop – pouring over a laptop.
“How did that go?” he asked, glancing up as Ella plonked down the meagre spoils of the morning’s groceries trip.
“Well, we’re still allowed into Lillicos, so that’s something,” she said. “But we’re banned from the dentists’, did you know they were ‘going efficient’ too? I don’t think I did.”
“Ahhh,” said Theo, brow furrowed, distracted and shaking his head.
“That’s it?” Ella replied. “That’s all you have to say? We might never see a dentist again and — ‘ahhhh’.”
“Sorry,” said Theo plaintively, looking up. “I’m just trying to finish this article.”
“Well, anyway,” she continued. “That’s not it. Turns out Lillico’s has gone full on segregationist.”
He looked up. Ha, that got his attention, she thought.
“What do you mean, ‘segregationist’?”
“I mean just that. There are now two aisles; one for Efficients and one for the rest of us.”
Seeing his look of concern, she moseyed over and gave him a hug; Theo in his high-collared cardigan and cosy slippers, Theo, whose floppy-haired perma-presence in their kitchen she’d found grating when he first ‘quit’ his job, but for whose steadying calm in this moment she felt unspeakably grateful.
‘Quit’ was a euphemistic way to describe events. Well-known as a ‘speak his mind’ political journalist with — until a couple of years ago — a weekly page in one of the broadsheets, the paper hadn’t been decent enough actually to fire him, instead merely letting the most interesting commissions – burning political controversies of the day, and interviews with the movers and shakers – go elsewhere, and filling his time with requests to write vapid articles on safe, back-of-the-paper topics: ‘How maximising your gut health can avert erectile dysfunction’, or ‘Pulling off leather in mid-life’.
After a few months, during which it became clear the old gig wasn’t returning, he’d left of his own accord, of course precisely the result they’d sought. He’d been self-employed for over a year, scraping whatever living could be found from selling articles into fringe magazines and dissident journals.
Ella squinted over his shoulder at his half-written article.
“What’s this one about?” she asked. “Potholes,” he replied. She smiled. Ever since she and the kids flew off the bike after careering into a crater on the way back from school he’d become obsessed with the ‘pothole epidemic’, as he liked to call it (“well, there’s so many, they’re obviously contagious”, he’d quipped).
“Can I read the draft?” she asked.
“Sure, here you go. I need to grab some photos to go with it but I’ll do that tomorrow.”
POTHOLE EPIDEMIC AT CRISIS POINT
Ministry for Infrastructure spending millions to block the release of pothole data.
The Government was yesterday forced to admit that it has spent more than £3 million of taxpayers’ money on efforts to block the release of information about the country’s pothole epidemic. Over the past year, the Ministry for Infrastructure has fought a series of legal battles to resist requests made to central and local government under the Freedom of Information Act concerning the state of the nation’s decaying road network. Meantime, roads across England and Wales are literally at breaking point with demands for critical repairs at a 15-year high, and ordinary course upgrades and repairs backlogged for years to come.
Local councils are aiming to fill more than 22 million potholes in the current financial year, at least 70% of which will have been recorded as a ‘clear and present’ danger to the safety of drivers and cyclists…
“Wow,” she said. “Can you really not get this into mainstream? It’s not as if potholes are a secret! And if the Government’s admitted it…?”
“You’d think so. But it’s becoming an embarrassment for them now. Which is precisely why no one in mainstream will touch it. Can you believe, they reckon that just to fix the potholes we’ve already got today — in one go — would cost more than £30 billion; it’ll never happen. Actually, you know what, it’s an epidemic that’s become endemic — ha, I’ve got to use that line! And you’ve got to wonder who’s making out like bandits. Some b****d corporation I bet you. Maybe I should have started a pothole filling company…”
“Jesus,” Ella exhaled under her breath. Had the Government’s obsession with health ever extended to things that might actually harm people?
Shuffling over to the kettle she filled her tea mug, trying to resist resenting the tea for not being a coffee. The forlorn coffee machine sat abandoned in the corner; it had been months since they’d managed to get hold of coffee beans – they should probably throw it out now, or at least retire it to the loft to free up some space on the counter.
Squashing the melancholy thoughts, she pottered, shuffling the endless family paraphernalia that littered the worktop — a Libby pencil case, a one-armed Lego robot discarded by Ted, fluorescent orange rollerblade laces, Poppy’s of course, a few miscellaneous gloves and socks, all hers, and the standard scattering of hairbands, pens and dog-eared exercise books — and eventually managed to reclaim a small square of useable real estate.
Opening the newspaper flat on the counter she flicked through the pages and, as so often these days, her disbelief mingled with horror. Page after maudlin page of commentary about the King’s death — urgh — when would it end, it had been a full three weeks — but what a helpful happenchance all of this performative mourning had been for those hoping to slip out other news.
Page 5, and…
Zeeta Cements 20-Year Partnership with Government in Major Boost for U.K.’s Attention Solutions Industry
Zeeta’s pioneering new focus implant, ATTENTIONLOCK, has performed so well that the company plans to build three more manufacturing sites in the U.K. in a partnership that will future-proof children’s attention health. Initial studies show ATTENTIONLOCK to be over 98.9% effective in solving childhood attention deficits. Studies also show that communities with high levels of ATTENTIONLOCK adoption experience markedly less anti-social behaviour.
“Hmmm, you seen this?” she said, to Theo. “The Daily Tribune, sponsored by Zeeta.” Theo raised an eyebrow in agreement.
Then, buried in the hinterland of page 12, she found what she was looking for.
Next Stage of Efficiency Programme Comes into Force Across England and Wales
The next stage of the Government’s Efficiency Programme takes effect today with the Autumn Update of the Efficiency Pass coming into effect across the England and Wales. From today, unless exempted, essential services and retail will require all those aged 16 and over to have an Efficiency Score of at least 200 on their Efficiency Pass for entry. Clubs and sporting organisations will no longer permit participation for those with an Efficiency Score of under 200.
Those without sufficient points may under special exemption still be allowed access to essential retail outlets and services but will be prohibited from entry into all other clubs, venues and sporting grounds. They may also face suspension from public sector employment and could have benefit payments into their bank accounts blocked after a grace period of 15 days.
The measure, voted through Parliament by a 524 to 126 majority, will incentivise sustainability, health and efficiency as part of the Government’s Efficiency Programme.
Despite opposition from a vocal minority of fringe anti-health extremists, the Government’s Efficiency Programme has received wide support amongst the public with 97% of those surveyed by independent market research company, WePoll, saying they ‘support’ or ‘strongly support’ the proposals.
Thank god it was still over 16. But “anti-health extremists”, she muttered, shaking her head and nearly spitting out her tea. 97% her arse. Come to think of it, independent market research company, her arse.
It was well known that the largest shareholder in WePoll was controlled by InfoSkew, a hedge fund managed by the wife of the Efficiencies Minister. You really couldn’t make it up.
Theo shuffled over. “Stop winding yourself up,” he said, putting a hand on her shoulder.
“I know. I know,” she conceded. “I just don’t know how they bring themselves to publish this stuff. They aren’t even pretending anymore.” Theo, shakes his head, “No, well it’s always been a question of degree, hasn’t it,” he replied, sanguine as ever. Ella shook her head, bemused at how anyone could stay so cool while she could barely keep her blood from boiling. But, that was Theo, rational and calm to a fault that usually managed to hover just about the right side of endearing.
Checking the clock — damn it, already gone 10:30am. The day was slipping away. “Yikes, I need to get on,” she said, bustling past Theo, scooping up a notebook and pen, and the laptop with its tangled cable, as she hurried to her office, “See you later!”
Look out for chapter four next week.
M. Zermansky is a pseudonym.
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