An Election Manifesto Commitment by the Labour-a-Tory Party

We will establish a new U.K. supermarket chain ‘National Self Service’ (NSS) which will offer everybody in the U.K. access to free food and beverages at the point of shopping.

There are some conditions to this pledge:

You can only enter an NSS store with agreement from your General Provisioner (GP). You cannot see your GP face-to-face to discuss your shopping needs. Call or email them explaining your position. You should get a reply within a few weeks. You are entitled to get an appointment at the store within 18 weeks, but waiting lists can be longer.
When you arrive at your assigned store, you will usually need to wait for a trolley to become available. At busy times, this could take several hours. Other customers may be given priority over you.
When you enter the store, you may find the produce you wanted is not available today or is not of the standard you expect. You may be offered an alternative product or be given a new time to visit.
If you can afford to pay for your supermarket goods yourself, you can opt to see a private GP shopping assistant. They will guide you to a non-NSS store, ensuring you receive all your goods quickly and conveniently.
We aim to have 1.5 million people working in the NSS, as more staff are bound to deliver better service. This is twice the number of staff that the current ‘Big 4’ supermarkets employ. Many of the staff will not be working in the store itself. Rest assured, they are all heroes and play a vital role.
To reach our target staffing numbers, we will recruit specialists from around the world. We expect to welcome a quarter of a million overseas staff and their families into the U.K.
The Government will fund the NSS from public spending, with an initial budget of £160 billion. At the same time, the Government will introduce a Supermarket Insurance levy, paid by employers and workers, totalling 20% of the income of the 20 million workers of Britain. The other two-thirds of the population will pay nothing.

It couldn’t happen, could it?