Edited for accuracy...

Appointment Details
Department of Health and Social Care (DHSC)
Job Title: Chief Scientific Adviser

Job Reference:OAMASA

Closing Date: Tuesday 5 Jan 2021

Remuneration: External candidates should expect their salary upon appointment to be c£130k – £160k pro rata, with bonuses and special packages awarded based on Barnard Castle visits and reasonably good jokes. More may be available for an exceptional candidate, with an ability to exude simultaneously unimpeachable personal confidence and highly-communicable fear whilst speaking about scarcely relevant numbers.

Contract: This role is being offered as a three-year job with the possibility of extension or exceptionally as a three-year Fixed Term appointment, or longer if emergency powers are extended being the present internally-projected rolling extension date of 31.12.2023 [Ed. Not for publication, you idiot!]. A secondment for a minimum of two years to the PRC Central Committee for Health, Xinjiang Industrial Region will also be considered. Full or part time candidates (minimum of four days) will be considered if named Dominic Cummings [Ed. I miss you so much!] or at least look like him a wee bit [Ed. I mean really, really much!].

Location: The role will be based in Barnard Castle crypt.

The Department of Health and Social Care (DHSC) is a directorate of the COBRA Emergency Powers Unit comprising HM PM BJ, formerly comprising Dom, which sponsors and works with both Arms, rather Lengthy Bodies, and a magic random-number generation machine to deliver the Secretary of State’s duty to promote a comprehensive health service “designed to secure people in place indefinitely; and in the prevention, diagnosis and treatment of physical movement or relationship”. DHSC leads, shapes and funds thousands of formerly profitable businesses destroyed by some of our most successful rules [Ed. Rishi is saying, "No, that last bit is me." Can someone get Matt or BJ on this? Who is paying actually? URGENT!].

The DHSC is seeking a Chief Scientific Adviser (CSA) to play a leading role in telling everyone they should play dead, and maybe then disease will go away, because the Devil will think we're dead already, and then he won't bother us, and also we won't do anything naughty because we won't do anything at all [Ed. Do we have a belief system? Check with Cary.].

Humpty Dumpty Ltd is acting as an employment agency adviser to the DHSC on this appointment. For further information about the role, including details about how to apply, please visit www.fullpopulationprisonservice.gov.uk/appointments using reference KISSMYHOOHOO (during office hours) or KISSFREEDOMGOODBYE (outside of the office, just around the corner behind the telephone booth) [Ed. Haven't we got the parenthetical parts switched around?]

Applications should be received by 23:55 on Tuesday 5 January 2021.

If you intend on applying for this role please click on the link below and complete the short diversity form, specifying how very diverse you are, but not in your thinking, please, as intellectual diversity is a relic on Empire, which is bad, and not diverse [Ed. Is this the right way round?].

😆 😆 😆
FAO loved your post..that has me chuckling at the start of my day..
👏👏👏👏👏👍 😀

on his way out of public influence?

Perhaps Chris witty is through with lying for the government? I think this is a very important find. Perhaps there has been a showdown, around the time Boris booted out Mr Cummings?

Witty's been in post only since June 2019, the job is for a two or three year term. So yes, he's resigned, so it seems, it'll be two years in June, so they are advertising now. Interviews starting in late Jan perhaps, offers in March, with the usual 3 month notice it makes it a June start for the new bloke. It all fits together.

So let's say there was a big showdown at number 10 in Nov between Cummings, Johnson and Witty. Cummings got the chop, and now Witty is going, but leaving with dignity, which means Witty won the row, and now wants to leave on his own terms,having secured a vaccine.

Let's put humpty dumpty together again. By November apparent covid-19 cases were surging again, and Brexit deadlines were looming. There would have been a lot of tension in number 10. Boris panicked and put in lockdown2, Let's assume that was at the heart of the dispute between cummings johnson and Witty, which Witty won, and Cummings quit in a fit of pique. Soon after, news of a vaccine arrived. Witty, fed up bearing the brunt of the Downing Street bullshit, saw his chance to leave with dignity by merely letting his contract expire. He obviously thinks the vaccine will have kicked in a bit by then. Yes that is how it played out, and that is what is behind the job ad.

They'll probably give it to Susan Commie Michie or Neil Ferguson.